Definition
Let’s start with the basics. A masochist is a person who derives satisfaction, relief, or even pleasure from their own pain, discomfort, or humiliation. That pain can be physical or emotional. It can be intentional or deeply unconscious.
You know someone who always picks the hardest possible path. They stay in relationships that hurt them. They turn down opportunities right when things start going well. And somehow, they seem almost comfortable in the chaos. You’ve probably thought: why do they keep doing this to themselves?
There’s a word for that. Masochist.
But here’s the thing most people hear that word and immediately think of something extreme or taboo. In reality, masochism is far more common, more nuanced, and more psychologically fascinating than most people realize. It shows up in everyday behavior, in relationship patterns, in how people talk to themselves, and in the quiet ways someone can self-sabotage without even knowing it.
This guide covers everything. The masochist meaning in plain English, its roots in psychology, how it plays out in real relationships, the traits that define it, and what separates a passing quirk from a serious pattern worth addressing.
What Does Masochist Mean?
The word itself comes from the name Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, a 19th-century Austrian novelist whose work depicted characters who found gratification in submission and suffering. More on him shortly.
In the simplest terms possible: if someone consistently invites, tolerates, or even seeks out situations that hurt them, and if some part of them finds that experience satisfying or familiar, they fit the psychological portrait of a masochist.
How to Pronounce Masochist
Before going further, let’s clear this up. It’s pronounced MAS-uh-kist. The “ch” is soft, like the “k” in “ski.” Not “maz-oh-chist.” Not “mass-oh-chist.” People get this wrong constantly, so now you won’t.
Masochist Meaning in Slang vs. Formal Usage
In formal psychology, masochism refers to a pattern of deriving gratification from one’s own pain or humiliation, with clinical implications depending on severity.
In everyday slang, it’s much lighter. Someone might say “I’m such a masochist” after signing up for a brutal workout class they hate, or after voluntarily reading the comments section on a controversial article. That casual usage captures the spirit of the word without the clinical weight.
Both usages are valid. Context matters enormously here.
The Origin: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch and the Birth of a Word
Words don’t appear from nowhere. This one has a specific, fascinating origin story.
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836–1895) was an Austrian-Galician author and journalist. He’s best remembered today for his 1870 novella Venus in Furs, which follows a man named Severin who enters a voluntary agreement to become the slave of a woman named Wanda. The novel depicts submission, humiliation, and suffering sought willingly and presented not as tragedy, but as desire.
Sacher-Masoch didn’t think of himself as defining a pathology. He was writing about human psychology and desire in ways that were radical for his era. But his work caught the attention of a German-Austrian psychiatrist named Richard von Krafft-Ebing, who was compiling a clinical encyclopedia of sexual psychology called Psychopathia Sexualis (1886). Krafft-Ebing named the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain “masochism” directly after Sacher-Masoch’s name.
Sigmund Freud later engaged with the concept extensively, connecting masochism to his theory of the death drive (Thanatos), guilt, and the unconscious need to suffer as punishment. Freud saw masochism as one of the more complex and revealing corners of human psychology.
What’s striking is how a novelist’s personal life and fiction became the basis for a clinical term that’s still used more than a century later. Language really does preserve history.
Masochism Definition in Psychology: What the Research Actually Says
Psychology has gone back and forth on masochism. Here’s where things stand today.
The Clinical Definition
In psychological terms, masochism refers to a pattern in which a person derives gratification sexual, emotional, or psychological from their own pain, humiliation, or degradation. It can manifest physically (seeking or tolerating bodily pain) or emotionally (repeatedly subjecting oneself to situations that cause suffering).
The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) includes Sexual Masochism Disorder as a paraphilic disorder but only when it causes the individual significant distress or involves harm to themselves or others. Simply having masochistic preferences, without distress or dysfunction, does not constitute a disorder.
This is a critical distinction. Having masochistic tendencies is not automatically a mental illness. Pathology only enters the picture when the pattern becomes compulsive, distressing, or damaging.
Three Types of Masochism
| Type | Description | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Physical Masochism | Pleasure or relief from bodily pain or discomfort | Seeking intense physical sensation; extreme endurance sports motivated by pain |
| Emotional Masochism | Repeatedly choosing situations that cause emotional suffering | Staying with partners who consistently cause hurt; ruminating on painful memories |
| Moral Masochism | Unconscious self-punishment driven by guilt or shame | Sabotaging success; engineering failure at critical moments |
Freud considered moral masochism the most psychologically complex of the three. It operates entirely beneath conscious awareness. The person isn’t choosing to suffer they genuinely don’t realize they’re doing it.
Is Masochism a Mental Disorder?
Here’s the direct answer: not inherently. The DSM-5 draws a clear line between a paraphilia (an atypical but not inherently harmful pattern of arousal or interest) and a paraphilic disorder (when that pattern causes distress or harm).
Sexual masochism only becomes a diagnosable disorder when:
- The person experiences intense personal distress about it
- It involves non-consenting partners
- It creates significant impairment in daily functioning
Outside of those conditions, masochistic tendencies fall into the wide spectrum of normal human psychological variation.
Masochist Meaning in Psychology: How Does a Masochist Think?
Understanding the masochist meaning in psychology requires looking at what actually happens inside the mind.
Pain and the Brain’s Reward System
Here’s something counterintuitive: the human brain doesn’t always process pain and pleasure as opposites. In certain contexts, pain activates dopamine pathways. Endorphins released during physical pain are chemically similar to opioids. For some people, the neurological experience of pain relief, completion, or intensity can become associated with positive feelings.
This isn’t a flaw. It’s a feature of human neurology that can be harnessed positively (think: intense exercise, cold water training) or become problematic when it manifests as emotional self-punishment.
The Psychology of Self-Defeating Behavior
Self-defeating behavior is the everyday face of masochism. It’s the pattern of consistently acting against one’s own best interests not out of stupidity, but out of deep-seated psychological programming.
Some key mechanisms behind it:
- Low self-worth: If someone fundamentally doesn’t believe they deserve good outcomes, they’ll unconsciously act to confirm that belief
- Familiar comfort: Suffering can feel familiar, and familiarity often feels safer than the unknown even when the unknown is “things going well”
- Control paradox: For trauma survivors especially, inviting pain can feel like a way to control it. If you choose the hurt, it can’t blindside you
- Guilt and punishment: Moral masochism runs on guilt. The person carries an unconscious sense of needing to atone for something real or imagined
Emotional Masochist Meaning and Examples
An emotional masochist is someone who consistently places themselves in emotionally painful situations, often without fully understanding why.
Real examples that aren’t dramatic or clinical just recognizable:
- Returning to a relationship over and over despite consistent emotional neglect
- Picking fights that lead to reconciliations, then repeating the cycle
- Obsessively replaying failures or embarrassments years after they happened
- Seeking out harsh criticism rather than constructive feedback
- Feeling deeply uncomfortable when things are going well then unconsciously disrupting them
- Staying in a friendship where you’re consistently dismissed or taken for granted
“Emotional masochism is often invisible because the person genuinely believes they’re just unlucky, or that this is simply how relationships feel.”
Self-Masochist Meaning
The term self-masochist refers specifically to masochistic patterns directed entirely inward. This includes self-punishment, self-sabotage, and self-denial.
It’s worth noting the clinical distinction here: self-masochism is not the same as self-harm, though they can overlap. Self-harm involves deliberate physical injury. Self-masochism is broader and often operates psychologically through choices, patterns, and thought processes rather than direct physical acts.
Masochistic Personality: Traits, Signs and What to Watch For
The concept of a masochistic personality has a documented history in psychology. It was included in the appendix of the DSM-III-R as “Self-Defeating Personality Disorder” in 1987, before being removed from the DSM-IV in 1994 amid controversy about whether it pathologized normal responses to oppressive circumstances.
Today, clinicians recognize masochistic personality traits without necessarily applying a formal diagnosis. The pattern is real. The label is what’s contested.
Core Masochistic Traits
Consistent self-sabotage. Right when things start going well, they do something to derail it. A promotion comes through and they pick a fight with their boss. A good relationship develops and they start manufacturing reasons to leave.
Feeling undeserving. There’s a persistent, low-level sense that good things aren’t really meant for them. Compliments don’t land. Success feels precarious and suspicious rather than satisfying.
Comfort with suffering. Difficult situations feel weirdly normal. Ease or happiness can feel foreign, even threatening.
Choosing painful options unnecessarily. When an easier path and a harder path lead to the same destination, they’ll take the hard one and not for growth-related reasons.
Dismissing positive feedback. Compliments are deflected or rationalized away. Criticism, on the other hand, sticks and gets ruminated on endlessly.
Staying too long in painful situations. Whether it’s a bad job, a toxic relationship, or a damaging friendship, they’ll endure it well past the point where most people would leave.
Signs of a Masochist: A Practical Reference
- Regularly apologizes even when not at fault
- Feels guilty when receiving good news or success
- Stays in relationships that cause consistent hurt
- Volunteers for excessive burdens and then resents them
- Gets most comfortable when things are chaotic or difficult
- Feels deeply uncomfortable being cared for
- Unconsciously undermines their own achievements
- Finds it easier to support others’ goals than to pursue their own
Masochistic Behavior vs. Healthy Challenge-Seeking
It’s important not to confuse masochism with ambition, resilience, or voluntary hardship for growth. Here’s how they differ:
| Behavior | Masochistic Pattern | Healthy Difficulty-Seeking |
|---|---|---|
| Taking on hard tasks | To punish or prove unworthiness | To grow, improve, or achieve something meaningful |
| Staying in painful situations | Even when a clear exit exists and leaving is safe | Until a meaningful goal is reached |
| Reacting to success | With anxiety, guilt, or self-sabotage | With satisfaction and readiness for the next challenge |
| Seeking feedback | To confirm negative self-beliefs | To genuinely improve |
| Enduring discomfort | Because comfort feels undeserved | As a deliberate, purposeful strategy |
The key difference is motivation and awareness. Healthy difficulty-seeking is conscious and directed toward growth. Masochistic patterns are often unconscious and directed toward confirming a negative self-narrative.
Emotional Masochism in Depth: When Suffering Becomes the Default Setting
Emotional masochism deserves its own examination because it’s the form most people encounter in real life and the least likely to be recognized for what it is.
What Makes Someone an Emotional Masochist?
Several psychological factors converge:
Attachment patterns. People who grew up in households where love was conditional, inconsistent, or came packaged with pain often learn to associate intimacy with suffering. As adults, relationships that don’t contain some element of emotional hurt can feel oddly empty or suspicious.
Addiction to the cycle. The highs and lows of volatile relationships are neurologically stimulating. After a painful episode, a reconciliation or moment of kindness releases dopamine intensely. The brain begins to crave that cycle.
Identity built around suffering. For some, being the person who endures becomes central to how they see themselves. Suffering becomes a kind of identity marker “I’m the one who survives,” “I’m stronger than this,” “I can handle it.”
Can Someone Be Emotionally Masochistic Without Knowing It?
Absolutely. In fact, that’s the most common form.
Most emotional masochists don’t think of themselves that way. They think they’re unlucky in love. Or that they attract the wrong people. Or that they just have high tolerance for difficulty. The unconscious nature of the pattern is precisely what makes it so persistent.
Emotional Masochism vs. Emotional Resilience
These two are genuinely different, and the distinction matters:
Emotional resilience is the capacity to recover from painful experiences, adapt, and continue functioning. It’s about bouncing back.
Emotional masochism is the tendency to seek out, create, or prolong painful emotional experiences. It’s not about recovery it’s about return.
Someone can be both. Many emotionally masochistic people are remarkably resilient they have to be, given how much pain they consistently invite into their lives.
Masochist Meaning in Relationships: How It Plays Out With Real People
Relationships are where masochistic patterns become most visible and most damaging.
Common Relationship Dynamics
The unavailable partner. Emotional masochists are often drawn to people who can’t or won’t give them what they need. The chase and the longing become the point. A partner who’s consistently available and affectionate can feel suffocating or boring.
The push-pull pattern. Manufactured conflict followed by intense reconciliation. The relationship itself becomes a cycle of hurt and relief that mirrors the neurological pattern described earlier.
People-pleasing to the point of self-erasure. Giving endlessly, receiving little, and interpreting that imbalance as proof of worthiness (“at least I’m needed”).
Tolerating mistreatment. Staying long past when any outside observer would say “enough.” Rationalizing, minimizing, and defending a partner who consistently causes harm.
How Masochism Connects to Codependency
There’s significant overlap between masochistic relationship patterns and codependency a psychological dynamic in which a person’s sense of identity and worth becomes excessively tied to managing or accommodating another person.
Both patterns tend to originate in early family dynamics. Both involve self-sacrifice that ultimately serves neither party. And both become self-reinforcing over time, making them genuinely difficult to break without external support.
The Impact on Partners
This deserves honest acknowledgment: masochistic patterns don’t only affect the person who has them. Partners can find themselves in the position of either enabling the pattern (by continuing harmful behavior the other person seems to accept) or being blamed for it (when the masochistic person eventually reaches a breaking point). Understanding this dynamic is essential for both people in the relationship.
Masochist vs. Sadist: The Full Comparison
The masochist meaning becomes clearer when you examine its counterpart.
What Is a Sadist?
A sadist is a person who derives pleasure from causing pain, humiliation, or suffering to others. The term comes from the Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French nobleman and writer whose work depicted elaborate cruelty as a source of pleasure.
Where the masochist turns pain inward, the sadist projects it outward.
Side by Side
| Masochist | Sadist | |
|---|---|---|
| Derives pleasure from | Their own pain or suffering | Others’ pain or suffering |
| Direction of behavior | Inward, self-directed | Outward, directed at others |
| In psychology | Self-defeating, self-punishing | Dominating, aggressive |
| In relationships | Often submissive or accommodating | Often controlling or domineering |
| DSM-5 consideration | Sexual Masochism Disorder (if distressing) | Sexual Sadism Disorder (if distressing or non-consensual) |
What About Sadomasochism?
Sadomasochism (commonly abbreviated S&M) refers to the coexistence of both tendencies in one person, or a consensual dynamic between two people where one takes a dominant/sadistic role and the other takes a submissive/masochistic role.
In the context of consensual adult relationships, this falls under what’s broadly called BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism). When practiced consensually, safely, and with clear communication, BDSM practices are not considered pathological by mainstream psychology.
The distinction that matters, always, is consent and distress. Consensual exploration of pain and power dynamics is categorically different from compulsive, distressing, or non-consensual patterns.
Can Someone Be Both a Masochist and a Sadist?
Yes. Sadomasochism as a single orientation exists precisely because many people experience elements of both. The tendency to find pleasure in power whether given or received can coexist within the same person, expressed differently in different contexts.
Masochism as a Coping Mechanism: Why Does It Develop?
This is perhaps the most important section of the entire article. Understanding why masochistic patterns develop is the key to addressing them with compassion rather than judgment.
Roots in Childhood and Trauma
Most masochistic patterns don’t appear from nowhere in adulthood. They develop as adaptive responses to early environments where pain was unavoidable, love was conditional, or safety required self-suppression.
Consider a child who grows up in a household where affection only comes after conflict. Their nervous system learns: pain precedes closeness. As an adult, that wiring persists. They gravitate toward relationships that replicate that pattern not because they enjoy suffering, but because that pattern feels like home.
Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) including neglect, emotional abuse, witnessing domestic conflict, or having caregivers with untreated mental illness are significantly correlated with masochistic tendencies in adulthood.
Learned Helplessness
Psychologist Martin Seligman’s concept of learned helplessness is directly relevant here. When people experience repeated painful situations they can’t escape or control, they eventually stop trying to escape even when escape becomes possible. The belief that effort is useless becomes embedded.
Internalized Shame and Self-Punishment
Religious upbringing, cultural messages about unworthiness, or sustained criticism from caregivers or peers can install a deep sense of shame that seeks expression through self-punishment. Moral masochism often runs on this fuel.
“The need to suffer is often the need to atone for something real, something imagined, or something that was never actually the person’s fault to begin with.”
The Neurological Angle
Research suggests that for some individuals, pain activates the brain’s reward circuitry more intensely than it does for others. A 2013 study published in Current Biology found that some people show stronger dopaminergic responses to aversive stimuli meaning their brains register pain as more neurologically significant, and potentially more rewarding, than average.
This isn’t deterministic. Neurology creates tendencies, not destiny. But it does explain why for some people, the pull toward painful experiences has a genuine biological component.
Examples of Masochism in Everyday Life
Not all masochism lives in therapists’ offices or clinical journals. Most of it shows up in ordinary, recognizable ways.
The emotional binge-watch. You know the show will destroy you. You watch it anyway. On purpose. Twice.
The comments section. Knowing exactly what’s down there, reading it anyway, then feeling exactly as bad as expected and somehow doing it again tomorrow.
The “hardest way possible” approach. Refusing shortcuts on principle, not for growth, but because the difficulty itself feels necessary or deserved.
The breakup return. Going back to the relationship that consistently caused hurt, convinced this time will be different until it isn’t.
The self-critical spiral. Dwelling on a mistake from three years ago with the same intensity as if it happened this morning. Returning to that mental wound deliberately, repeatedly.
The underdog choice. Applying for the most difficult position rather than the one you’d likely get then feeling secretly relieved when it doesn’t work out.
These examples aren’t meant to shame anyone. Most people engage in some of these behaviors occasionally. The concern arises when they become consistent patterns, when they cause real harm, and when the person can’t seem to stop even when they want to.
What Causes Masochistic Behavior? A Summary of Contributing Factors
| Factor | How It Contributes |
|---|---|
| Childhood trauma or neglect | Creates associations between pain and love/attention |
| Attachment disorders | Insecure attachment leads to seeking painful relational dynamics |
| Internalized shame | Produces unconscious drive toward self-punishment |
| Learned helplessness | Conditions the belief that suffering is inevitable and unavoidable |
| Neurological sensitivity | Some individuals’ reward systems respond more intensely to pain |
| Cultural and religious messaging | Can install beliefs about unworthiness or the virtue of suffering |
| Low self-esteem | Generates self-defeating patterns to confirm negative self-beliefs |
Both nature and nurture contribute. There’s no single cause, and no two people arrive at masochistic patterns through the exact same path. That variability is exactly why understanding the individual’s history matters so much.
Masochism Compared to Similar Concepts
Masochism vs. Self-Sacrifice
Healthy self-sacrifice is conscious, chosen, and aligned with one’s values. A parent who gives up sleep to care for a sick child isn’t being masochistic they’re acting on love with full awareness.
Masochistic self-sacrifice is driven by an unconscious need to suffer, to feel needed, or to confirm unworthiness. The person doesn’t experience it as a free choice. It feels compelled.
Masochism vs. Stoicism
Stoicism is a philosophical tradition built on enduring difficulty with equanimity and using it as fuel for growth. The Stoic uses hardship. The masochist seeks it often without that hardship leading anywhere productive.
Masochism vs. Martyrdom
The martyr suffers publicly, with an audience. Their suffering serves a social function it generates sympathy, gratitude, or moral authority. Masochism is usually more private and internal. These patterns can overlap, but they’re not identical.
Masochism vs. BDSM
This distinction has been addressed earlier, but it bears repeating clearly:
BDSM is a consensual, intentional, recreational practice. Participants choose their roles, negotiate boundaries, and can end the dynamic at any time. Psychological research consistently shows that consensual BDSM practitioners do not show elevated rates of psychological disturbance compared to the general population.
Masochism as a compulsive psychological pattern is not recreational. It’s distressing. It persists despite the person wanting to stop. And it operates across the whole of someone’s life, not in a contained, negotiated space.
How to Know If You or Someone You Know Is a Masochist
These questions aren’t a diagnostic tool. They’re a starting point for honest self-reflection.
Ask yourself:
- Do you feel most at ease when things are difficult or chaotic?
- Do good outcomes make you anxious rather than satisfied?
- Do you regularly find yourself back in situations you know will hurt you?
- Do you feel guilty when life is going well?
- Do you dismiss compliments but absorb criticism deeply?
- Is it easier for you to support others than to pursue your own needs?
- Do you feel oddly uncomfortable being genuinely cared for?
If you answered yes to several of these honestly, that’s worth sitting with. Not as a condemnation as information.
What to Do If You Recognize These Patterns
Therapy is the most effective route. Specifically:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps identify and restructure the thought patterns that fuel self-defeating behavior
- Psychodynamic therapy explores the root causes the childhood dynamics and early experiences that created the pattern
- Schema therapy targets deeply ingrained “life traps” or negative schemas, which is particularly effective for long-standing masochistic patterns
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be highly effective when trauma underlies the masochism
Self-compassion practices matter enormously. Researcher Kristin Neff has documented that self-compassion treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend is one of the most powerful correctives to self-defeating behavior.
Practical first steps: journaling to track patterns, talking to a trusted person, naming the behavior when it’s happening. Awareness is always the beginning.
FAQs
What does masochist mean?
A masochist is someone who derives satisfaction or pleasure from their own pain, humiliation, or suffering physically, emotionally, or psychologically.
What is a masochist person?
Someone who consistently invites or tolerates painful experiences in ways that suggest they find those experiences rewarding, familiar, or necessary.
Is being a masochist a bad thing?
Not inherently. Masochistic tendencies exist on a wide spectrum. Mild, self-aware masochistic tendencies (voluntarily taking on difficulty, pushing through discomfort) can be adaptive.
What causes masochistic behavior?
Early childhood experiences, trauma, attachment patterns, internalized shame, learned helplessness, and neurological factors all contribute. It’s rarely a single cause.
How does a masochist think?
Often through a framework that equates suffering with worthiness, that experiences comfort as suspicious, and that unconsciously generates situations confirming a negative self-belief.
What are the traits of a masochist?
Self-sabotage, staying in painful situations past reasonable limits, feeling undeserving of good outcomes, dismissing compliments, seeking out difficulty unnecessarily, and feeling most at ease in chaos or suffering.
Can someone be emotionally masochistic?
Yes, and this is the most common form. Emotional masochism involves repeatedly choosing or staying in situations that cause emotional pain, often without full conscious awareness.
What is the opposite of a masochist?
A sadist someone who derives pleasure from causing pain or humiliation to others rather than experiencing it themselves.
Conclusion:
Masochism isn’t a character flaw. It’s not a sign of weakness or stupidity. It’s a psychological pattern often deeply adaptive in its origins, genuinely harmful in its persistence.
The masochist meaning spans a wide range: from the person who jokingly calls themselves a masochist for eating extra-spicy food, to the individual unconsciously engineering their own failure in every significant life domain. That spectrum is real and it matters.
What stands between recognition and change is usually one thing: honest self-awareness. Once you can see the pattern clearly in yourself or someone you care about you can start asking the real question, which isn’t “why do they do this?” but “what were they trying to protect themselves from, and does that protection still serve them?”
Most of the time, the answer to that second question is no. And that’s where the work begins.
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